A quest to get happier…

In March 2020, when the COVID-19 pandemic started, time stood still. I had already started to search for things that would quell my never-ending state of low level anxiety. No matter how hard I tried to feel content and peaceful, I was nagged by an existential angst, a deep longing that wasn’t being fulfilled. It tugged at my heart. It was forever present in the background like a low level hum.

When COVID-19 hit and life was forced to slow down, the nagging feeling intensified. Denied the usual distractions of going to the office, to parties, to see friends, to the movies, to the gym, we were all left with ourselves and our thoughts. There was nothing to drown out the nagging feelings. I tried silencing them with boxed wine and carbohydrates, tried to make sourdough and ate a lot of cake. I gained five pounds. I still felt miserable.

There’s nothing like a global pandemic and an upcoming milestone birthday to get you focused on your life and discover what makes you truly happy. Where do you even start? Well in the fourth decade of my life, I knew what did not create lasting happiness for me, which was basically everything I had tried to date. I don’t mean to give the impression here that I am not happy sometimes — but I was craving a lasting happiness and peace that seemed elusive, no matter what I did.

I would get a promotion and feel happy for a while, satisfied with my accomplishment, then inevitably fall back to my baseline nagging feeling that I was missing something. We moved to a new house, same thing. I buy new clothes, the same. Happiness would rise temporarily then back to normal.

So, if we can conclude that external things can’t provide happiness, no new jobs, homes, relationships, cars, things will make us happy - what do we do next? How do we discover how to be happier?

Like spiritual teachers have said since the dawn of time— happiness it seems is an inside job. The only place I had not gone was inside to deeply know myself. To understand my true desires, and longings and try a new way.

I made a commitment to see it through. Once a commitment is made — the journey begins, the hero’s journey, the Pilgrim’s Progress. A journey to get outside of our minds, our baggage, and conditioning and listen to the whispers of our soul.

Our purpose then, I believe, is to get rid of all the ‘weeds’ in the way of us being our true selves. To strip away our fears, limitations, doubts and preconceived ideas about the world, until you are left with the essence of your soul. Your authentic self. In the process of this you discover a new way of being in the world.

So a year in to the journey— progress has been mixed at times as old programming comes up to be dealt with. Some days I feel a strong gravitational pull back to my old ways of fear and doubt, and some days I feel at peace, full of possibility and ready to take on the world. But even steps onto the path I feel lighter and happier, grateful that I am trying something new and after many years on the planet, starting to discover my true self. Living my most authentic life this way is, I believe, the key to achieving long lasting peace and happiness.